its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
