He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
