i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
