I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
