Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
