sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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