Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
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