last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
They have beer where we have blood.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
