Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
