Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
