My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
