i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
