9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
