I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
