We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
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