if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
