He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
