I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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