My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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