yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
