it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
