it hurts more in the daytime
i wish my penis had a tongue
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize