The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
