filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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