If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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