So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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