I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
