My underwear smells like fireworks.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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