My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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