apparently the secret to your success is patron
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
