I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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