I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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