I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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