My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
