Don't make out with my wife yet
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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