Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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