i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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