i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
