I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
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