and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize