Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
