Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Randomize
