Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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