shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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