Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Just invented taco cereal.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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