I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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