whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
