i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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