woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
