You think ghandi was good in the sack? cuz i sure do.
I'm not gay.
Soooo you want ghandi? is that what your telling me?
If ghandi gives good head...I'm in
Its fine.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
