I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Randomize
