mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
