I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
