he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
