Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I need a beard to bite.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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