tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Randomize
