I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
