Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
