I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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