I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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